The Big Red Button

The last time I was ill, I spent a lot of time researching other people’s accounts of mental health problems.  I wanted to know how they survived. I listened, read and watched many interesting and inspiring stories.  A couple have really stuck with me, so if you are interested, I’ve put links at the bottom of this post.

However, I got frustrated.  People always told their stories afterwards. History is written by the winners and they had already recovered.  I couldn’t help wondering about the others.  The ones that didn’t recover.  The ones that didn’t survive.  So, I am attempting to write whilst still in the middle of a mental health crisis.  I understand why people don’t (I think I understand, anyway).  For a start, it’s boring.  I’ve been seriously depressed for several weeks now and the most exciting thing that has happened was finding a new flavour of soup to eat.  Also, it’s hard.  I took hours just to motivate myself to go and buy said soup, let alone set up a blog.  But anyway, that’s where we’re at, so I’m going to continue to write as best I can.  The soup was crap by the way.

So, boys and girls, today’s topic is the Big Red Button. That’s how I view suicide.  In my head is a Big Red Button that says Do Not Push underneath it.  Some days it’s hidden away in a dusty corner behind a cobweb and I hardly know it’s there.  Other days it takes up almost my whole mind.  It almost glows with temptation.  Let’s be clear on a couple of things about why I want to die (or, more accurately, do not want to live).  It’s not because I think my life has no purpose.  It’s not because I don’t think that things could (in theory, at least) get better.  It’s not because my life is terrible (there are many good things in it). It’s not even because I believe I am a burden to those around me (I do, but if that were the main problem I could just run away and live up a mountain).  No…. I want to kill myself because I am in unbearable emotional pain most of the time.  I simply cannot stand to live in the present.  Not for another minute, let alone another day or week or month or however long it will take to get better.  I want it to stop right now and no-one can do anything to help me.   I used to get upset, thinking that if people could understand how bad it was, they would DO something.  Now I understand there is nothing to be done.  I don’t know which is worse.  There are only 3 things that can stop the pain: Sleep, drugs or death.  The first 2 provide only temporary relief…… So suicide is what is left.  It’s quite comforting actually.  To know that no matter how bad things are, there is always a way out.

Press the button; in case of emergency, break glass; tap out; push bar to exit; pull lever to operate ejector seat; use the safe word; pull cord to stop train (penalty for improper use); ctrl/alt/del…………………..and you’re out. Just like that.

 

Cross that line, just once, and it’s all over.  No more suffering.  No more anything.  So yes, that’s why I want to kill myself.  But not today.

I know this is rather bleak.  I just wanted to write it because I hope that it may help people who feel the same to know they are not alone and for those who do not feel like this to maybe gain a little understanding, if they want to.

For a rather more scientific treatment of this topic, I found an excellent article in Scientific American –

https://blogs.scientificamerican.com/bering-in-mind/being-suicidal-what-it-feels-like-to-want-to-kill-yourself/

Now, please, go cheer yourselves up.  Eat a biscuit (or anything that isn’t soup).  Watch Red Dwarf. Pet the dog.  Whatever you need to do.  And if none of those float your boat, listen to the 2 amazing, inspirational women below:

 

https://bryonysmadworld.telegraph.co.uk/e/mad-world-mandy-stevens/

 

 

 

 

 

 

One thought on “The Big Red Button

Add yours

  1. In my experience of suicidal thoughts/urges, I was surprised by the clinical detachment I experienced.
    Rather than the emotional, distraught experience I assumed suicidal people felt (probably due to media portrayal), it’s calm and calculated.
    The article you shared helped shed some light on this.
    And thank you for sharing your experiences.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑

%d bloggers like this: