I know it’s been a long time since I’ve published anything (I’ve written things, but they were, to me, deeply unsatisfactory. Can something be deeply unsatisfactory? That’s like being extremely mediocre, or vastly tepid). Anyway, let’s just sum up the last two months of my life as periods of general general-ness, underpinned by a slow decline into depression and leave it at that. Not interesting to read about, not interesting to write about. Instead, let’s just pick a theme and go with it (drum roll please)……………. Today’s theme is “Don’t leave me/go away” or, “The push me-pull you guide to having a relationship with someone with BPD”. Hmmm…..turns out I have many talents in life, but writing snappy tag lines may not be one of them. Oh well, let’s plough on, shall we?
I may have mentioned once or twice that BPD makes it difficult for me to function in relationships (romantic or otherwise). I shall refer you to a quote I found on the web that sums it up quite nicely:
“A complicated and challenging problem often faced by those with BPD is how to create and maintain ‘normal’ relationships with others. Not only is this a problem in itself, with the sufferer finding it hard to communicate with those around them, but it can also make it difficult and painful to seek comfort regarding various other symptoms of BPD that they might be affected by. While someone with BPD may desperately want help from a friend, the latter might find their behaviour antisocial – the BPD-sufferer may seem spiky and dismissive in spite of attempts to comfort them.”
(BPD World (2018) Relationships. Retrieved from: https://www.bpdworld.org/relationships.html)
Spiky? Me?! So, here is how it goes in my head:
I feel like shit. I’d really like to talk to someone. I don’t know what to say, or how to verbalise what I am feeling. Someone offers to speak to me. That’s lovely. I’d really like to talk to them. But I’ll be horrible to talk to, so better tell them I don’t want to talk to them. Save them from me. But then what if they think I don’t like them? So I should talk to them. But then maybe they think I’m selfish and only want to speak to them when I’m depressed. So I should wait until I feel better. But that might be weeks away. What if I never feel better? So I should talk to them now. But afterwards I will feel guilty and want to keep repeating the conversation until I get it right (on a side note, if you ever have a conversation with me and it gets followed up by more conversations or random texts, that is what is happening). So, maybe I should just speak to the person, but not talk about myself. But people kind of get wise to this one. And what if it’s just pity? I don’t want pity. You can’t possibly actually want to talk to me. I am a piece of shit. It must be pity. I should avoid talking to you, to save you from being contaminated by me. It’s the right thing to do. Or maybe it’s selfish. If you have to put up with listening to this, you won’t want to speak to me anymore and I’ll lose you forever, better to just lose you for a short while. And you’ve got problems of your own. And I can’t help. I’m too broken. Let’s just hide. But I’m lonely. Then talk to someone. I’m too tired. You’re always tired. I know.
Or…………….. I’d really like to see you. I miss you. But if I see you I might be too much. I might suffocate you. So I must try not to do that. So maybe I shouldn’t see you. But I want to. Okay, so I’ll see you but not smother you. But then it might go too far the other way and I’ll be aloof. So I shouldn’t see you. But I want to. But what if by seeing you I randomly do something awful and you end up hating me? Like, maybe I’ll pick a fight for no reason. Or something even weirder. Or I’ll blame you for something you haven’t done. Or I’ll make you feel guilty. Or I’ll try and make you feel miserable, just because I feel miserable. Or I won’t do it on purpose, but I’m no fun to be around so you’ll just feel bad anyway. And, oh fuck it, I’m so bound to mess everything up that I might as well just get it over with. Destructo girl strikes again.
I used to work with young people who had behavioural, emotional and social difficulties. If I ever had to describe the job on CV, I would say it was ‘challenging and interesting’. In reality, that translates to bloody awful, but also the most amazing job I’ve ever had. Anyway, the point is, that some of the children seemed to have this weird urge to self-destruct. They would produce a perfectly good piece of work, then immediately tear it up. They would behave really well for days to earn a reward, then do something to ruin it. And I get it. I want to set it all alight and watch it burn. Except I don’t, not really. I’m so fucking scared of losing the things most important to me that it’s easier to destroy them now than have them taken away from me. The fear of abandonment, the fear of loss, is so great, I’d rather just get it over with now, because at least then I would be in control. Push it away, break it. If I was watching me (which I kind of am) I’d be behind a plate glass window, pounding my fists and shouting NO! Watching me function sometimes is like watching a car crash – you don’t want to see, but you can’t seem to look away. Let’s just get this over with people. Let it all go down the drain. Let’s be as scary as we can and maybe everyone will stay away (although I wish they wouldn’t). God knows why I want people to stay away. So I don’t hurt them? So they don’t get to see the destruction? So they can’t leave me? Or, like any good multiple choice quiz, – ‘d’ – all of the above. Yeah baby, all of the above.
I’m not entirely sure what the point of this little rant was. I suppose that I want people to know that I am trying really hard to walk this line – don’t ask too much, don’t push people away…it’s exhausting and I have a sneaking suspicion that I’m not doing it very well. I just hope by putting it out there that those of you who know me will be forgiving when I fuck it up and end up too far one way or the other. And so that you know you are valued and not taken for granted.
Right, I’m off to try and find my positive pants. Wishing you all a happy new year………….see you on the other side.
P.S. It’s an ocelot. Get it?