How not to kill yourself – one bucket list item at a time
Since the start of lockdown, I've been thinking a lot about gratitude. It seems to keep cropping up in various ways in my life (obviously, as a good scientist, I attribute this to the Baader Meinhof effect, rather than a sign from the universe). I could, and probably will one day, spend a blog talking... Continue Reading →
If there was an Olympic category for procrastination, I would..... think about definitely finding out about maybe entering ... and then miss the deadline. I've been putting off writing an update on my blog for so long, I've forgotten why I don't write anymore. And the longer I put it off, the harder it seems... Continue Reading →
Trigger warning: Discussion of suicide and thoughts about personal choice in this matter. A little while ago, G and I were discussing death and losing people. I asked her if she was worried about me killing myself. She said she worried every day about that. She was upset with me. Upset that I cannot, much... Continue Reading →
My name is C~ and I am a survivor. I don't mean a suicide survivor, or a depression survivor. I'm talking here about the really big one. I (drum roll) survived a family wedding. DBT talks about looking for the positives in even very difficult situations. By the time I collapsed through my friend K~'s... Continue Reading →
Have I mentioned I suck at endings? It's like the BPD starter kit: Here, have a bunch of unmanageable emotions and a pathological inability to deal with anything finishing - good luck! Today was the big, everyone-gets-issued-their-final-grades-for-the-course-I-help-run meeting at college. And it went fairly well. Not awesome, but it was fine. When it came to... Continue Reading →
Today feels quite painful. It's not a very catchy first sentence is it? Today isn't hideous or unbearable or torturous. I don't want to die. But it's painful. And that is okay. Part of the normal human experience. A sure sign that I am still alive. I'm becoming quite the connoisseur of emotions, perceiving the... Continue Reading →
I've been pondering on my frequency of blog writing. I realise that if I am not writing, that means things are either pretty good, or really bad. What do we conclude from the fact that I am writing quite often at the moment? That things are quite bad, but not awful. So, yeah, this last... Continue Reading →
I know it’s been a long time since I’ve published anything (I’ve written things, but they were, to me, deeply unsatisfactory. Can something be deeply unsatisfactory? That’s like being extremely mediocre, or vastly tepid). Anyway, let’s just sum up the last two months of my life as periods of general general-ness, underpinned by a slow... Continue Reading →
Trigger warning: Some discussion of suicidal feelings and planning, one brief reference to methods. Fortunately, I’m not too worried about labels, so I wasn’t upset this week when my psychologist told me that I was psychotic and retarded. I’m half joking. She was most concerned that I understood and was not upset by the words.... Continue Reading →
So, my last blog ended with me driving away from A&E in the back of a car with 2 staff from the Crisis Team. If this was a short story, that is where we would leave things. Nice cliff-hanger. Full of possibilities. But life isn’t like that. You don’t get to skip past the crap,... Continue Reading →
