How not to kill yourself – one bucket list item at a time
Today feels quite painful. It's not a very catchy first sentence is it? Today isn't hideous or unbearable or torturous. I don't want to die. But it's painful. And that is okay. Part of the normal human experience. A sure sign that I am still alive. I'm becoming quite the connoisseur of emotions, perceiving the... Continue Reading →
I've been pondering on my frequency of blog writing. I realise that if I am not writing, that means things are either pretty good, or really bad. What do we conclude from the fact that I am writing quite often at the moment? That things are quite bad, but not awful. So, yeah, this last... Continue Reading →
I know it’s been a long time since I’ve published anything (I’ve written things, but they were, to me, deeply unsatisfactory. Can something be deeply unsatisfactory? That’s like being extremely mediocre, or vastly tepid). Anyway, let’s just sum up the last two months of my life as periods of general general-ness, underpinned by a slow... Continue Reading →
Trigger warning: Some discussion of suicidal feelings and planning, one brief reference to methods. Fortunately, I’m not too worried about labels, so I wasn’t upset this week when my psychologist told me that I was psychotic and retarded. I’m half joking. She was most concerned that I understood and was not upset by the words.... Continue Reading →
So, my last blog ended with me driving away from A&E in the back of a car with 2 staff from the Crisis Team. If this was a short story, that is where we would leave things. Nice cliff-hanger. Full of possibilities. But life isn’t like that. You don’t get to skip past the crap,... Continue Reading →
Trigger warning: I’m going to tell you about the antecedents to my first stay in residential psychiatric care. Inevitably (for me) this involves some fairly in-depth description of planning my suicide. So, if you think in any way that this is going to be triggering for you, just give it a miss. Please? For me?... Continue Reading →
Gosh, it’s nice not being depressed. It happened in the course of about half an hour the other evening and has been holding strong (barring a few hours this afternoon - a blip, I hope - thank you A~ for listening to me and picking me back up) for 4 days now (everyone touch wood,... Continue Reading →
A couple of weeks ago my friend D~, looking genuinely upset, said that he ‘wanted the old Caroline back’. That one has really stuck with me. It hurt, almost a physical sensation of being stabbed in the chest, not because I think he shouldn’t have said it, but because I agree with him. The problem... Continue Reading →
Trigger warning: The opinions expressed in this post are from the point of view of someone who is suicidal and therefore may not be rational. If you think you may be triggered by this, please don’t read on. It’s mostly inane drivel anyway. Go and do something else instead. Seriously. Anything. Cut your toenails or... Continue Reading →
